You know that feeling when you’re pouring your heart out to someone you love, and they just… stare back at you like you’re speaking a foreign language? Or when you’re celebrating something huge and they’re there physically but somehow absent? If you’re nodding right now, you might be in love with someone who’s avoidantly attached.
I came across a Reddit post recently that left me gutted, in the best way possible. It was like reading my diary, or maybe yours. The raw honesty, the years of confusion, that moment when everything finally clicks into place.
Here is the post by: Own-Moose-3855
The Original Story
“My husband and I (both in our 30s) have been together for almost a decade. Started long-distance, closed the gap after almost 3 years. Amazing sex life for the first 5-6 years. Throughout the years, I worked on myself, finally approached my life with full self-determination after my first 25 years had been a clusterfuck of disassociation and self-abandonment. This year, this came to a boil. We’ve had a dead bedroom for more than a year because he’s no longer really interested, despite knowing that it’s important to me. The relationship is now smooth, polite, and nothing more. He does small acts of service consistently, but when there’s real weight to something, he keeps a distance. I had some huge personal milestones, and he wasn’t there for it, didn’t do anything to support me in it, didn’t show interest. In the same time period, I had initiated a few talks and had managed to get him to open up a bit, just to then hear words that were oozing with years of resentment and pain of having hidden himself. Something clicked for me. I know he loves me, but I don’t feel loved. He may not know the emotions he’s feeling, he might not want to have to care about „meaningless” small things, but I need proactive care. And finally, I understand that this whole time, he has been an as-loving-as-he-knows-how-to, but avoidantly attached partner. And tomorrow, I will hand him a letter and give him the choice. Either he’s willing to put in uncomfortable work and face this terrifying field of vulnerability together with me, or he is free. But the relationship we’ve had won’t continue.”
God, doesn’t that just hit you right in the chest? The exhaustion in those words, but also the clarity. She’s not angry, she’s just done living half a life.
What the Comments Revealed
The responses to this post were incredible. Real people sharing real experiences, and honestly, some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever seen on the internet.
Alternative Approaches to Ultimatums
lareigirl: “Ultimatums are usually not the recipe for success with avoidantly attached partners. Consider reframing it as a gentle expression of unmet needs, and invite him to help you with those needs. Make it easy for him to accept the invitation. And then set the expectation that the relationship feels unsustainable in its current state. Ask him how you can help.”
This comment stopped me in my tracks. Think about it, when someone backs us into a corner, what do we do? We fight or we flee. But invitation? That’s completely different energy. It’s like the difference between “You need to fix this NOW” and “Hey, I’m struggling here. Can we figure this out together?”
Success Stories and Hope
ImpossibleCorgi248: “I was in a similar situation with my partner, but they had anxious attachment and I had avoidant. We went to couples therapy and also individual and it honestly saved our relationship. I didn’t even know I had avoidant attachment and was always so genuinely confused when my partner expressed they didn’t feel loved and valued.”
I love this because it shows something so many of us forget, sometimes they don’t know. It’s not malicious. They’re not trying to hurt you. They genuinely don’t understand why you’re saying you don’t feel loved when they just spent Saturday fixing your car and making sure you had coffee ready when you woke up.
The Avoidant Perspective
ariesgeminipisces: “As an avoidant leaning fearful avoidant, I’d need time to think it through… my immediate response would be to be free no matter what, and I would think that was what I wanted for days or weeks. All my feelings and memories shut down during highly emotional relationship-type conflicts. But then later, when all the confrontation and big feelings settled, my feelings would come back online.”
This one gave me chills because it explains so much about those conversations that go nowhere. You know the ones, where you pour your heart out and they just sit there like a brick wall, then later (much later) they come back with something thoughtful? Their brain goes offline during emotional intensity. It’s not rejection, it’s overwhelm.
Considering Both Perspectives
theothertetsu96: “Props to OP addressing her needs and doing personal work, but I didn’t read anything about her husband’s needs… why is he resentful? What demons is he doing his best not to face, or otherwise dealing with in the best way he knows how?”
Ouch, but also, fair point. We get so focused on not feeling loved that we forget to ask why they’re pulling away. What’s eating at them? What are they so afraid of that emotional intimacy feels like a threat?
Support and Reality Checks
whiterrabbbit: “You’re making the right decision. Well done. Don’t live a half life for the rest of your days. You’re also doing him a favour here too.”
Ok_Rush_8159: “He doesn’t like you girl, you had big milestones and he wasn’t there? You’re married ffs this isn’t a crush or someone you’re dating… This isn’t avoidant, this is him not giving a fuck about you girl.”
See the range here? Some people saying, “You deserve better,” others saying, “Maybe he just doesn’t care.” And honestly? Both can be true. Sometimes, avoidant attachment is the explanation. Sometimes it’s just an excuse.
What I Think We’re Missing: Beyond the Obvious
After reading all these comments, I kept thinking, what else could work? Because sometimes the gentle approach isn’t enough, and ultimatums backfire. Here’s what I’ve learned works:
The Mirror Method
Instead of asking them to be vulnerable, just be vulnerable yourself. No expectations, no “your turn” energy. Just model what emotional openness looks like. Sometimes they need to see that it’s safe before they’ll try it.
Tiny Doors
Forget the grand gestures and deep conversations. Try micro-moments. “How was that meeting you were nervous about?” “I noticed you seemed quiet today.” Small openings that they can walk through without feeling exposed.
Get Curious, Not Demanding
Replace “Why don’t you ever…” with “I’m curious about…” It’s amazing how that simple shift changes everything. Curiosity feels safe. Demands feel threatening.
The Long Game
Accept that emotional growth happens in seasons, not moments. Plant seeds. Water them. Don’t expect flowers tomorrow.
What This Teaches Us
Here is what I think we need to understand about avoidantly-attached partners:
They do love you. Often desperately. But vulnerability feels like emotional nudity in a snowstorm, terrifying and potentially dangerous. They learned early that emotions lead to pain, so they built walls. Those walls protected them once. Now they’re protecting them from you.
The resentment? It’s real. They are angry at themselves for not being able to give you what you need, angry at you for needing it, and angry at the whole situation. But they don’t know how to say that without it sounding like an attack.
The Hard Truth
Sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes two people can care about each other deeply and still be fundamentally incompatible. And that’s not failure, that’s just life.
However, before you give up, try everything. Try therapy. Try patience. Try changing your approach. Try understanding their perspective. Try seeing their acts of service as love letters written in a language you’re still learning to speak.
Just don’t try so hard that you lose yourself in the process because you deserve to feel loved in a way that makes sense to you, just like they deserve to love in a way that feels authentic to them.
Sometimes those two things can coexist. Sometimes they can’t. But at least you will know you tried everything before walking away.
Check out:
The Silent Ache Of Loving Someone Who Can’t Receive It Yet
Attachment Styles And How They Affect Relationships
Anxious Attachment: Causes, Symptoms, Triggers And Coping Methods
He Kept Saying He Was Over His Ex, But He Left My Birthday Dinner To Rush To Her Side
