I am obsessed with Reddit stories and one out of every 3 stories is a conflict about money. Money is a touchy subject. People will have conflicts over money in their own families. This can be because one of the children is the golden child who is given everything (including inheritance or money for university/college) while others are left to fend for themselves. Conflict can also arise in marriage because one partner spends too much money while the other is trying to save. A big cause of conflict is when one partner wants to spend a lot of their money on their parents or siblings while totally disregarding what is needed for their family both in the present and in the future.
Here is one of those examples by Quirky_Importance393.
Supporting in-laws financially – need advice
My husband (32), who is Korean American, has a cultural expectation to provide a monthly allowance to his parents once he starts working. We agreed to start sending them $500 per month three years ago, but this amount has since increased to $1,000 at his mom’s request and his mom recently requested $2,000. We had a big fight and agreed to stick to $1,000/month.
This financial obligation to his parents is a major point of tension in our marriage. Although we have good incomes, I’m considering quitting my job to stay home with our 5 month old baby until she is slightly older (husband is very much on board) but this financial obligation is holding me back (among other reasons). I’m worried about future increases my MIL may demand and their potential reliance on us once retired since they don’t own a home or seem to have retirement savings.
My husband is also planning to give them $100,000 for a house down payment, which I initially thought was generous but I (and husband, he later admitted) was disappointed when his mother requested an additional $30,000. As a disclaimer, my husband had set this money aside for this purpose before we got married so I understood this going into the marriage.
My husband’s parents are still working and in good health, but I believe it’s crucial to focus on saving for their future / old age needs rather than providing fun money now. My husband, however, disagrees. He wants them to enjoy life now while they are able. He is very optimistic about our future earnings (promotions and raises) but doesn’t ever consider the possibility of job loss or other hardships.
Thanks for making it this far! Here are my questions:
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Am I being unreasonable in limiting the allowance to $1,000? This amount represents about 7% of our take-home income after retirement savings. If I quit my job, it will be 15%. How can I convince my husband that we need to prioritize our future needs?
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I’ve recently started to set aside $1,000 each month in a separate account for my own parents, even though they don’t need it and refuse it. My husband is unhappy with this, arguing that support should be need-based rather than aiming for fairness. Am I being overly petty and unreasonable?
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My mother-in-law seems very demanding financially. Is this a common expectation in Korean culture, or am I misunderstanding it? She does not make similar demands on my BIL, granted he earns much less. But she even offers to pay for his needs when he could afford it himself.
There is a lot to unpack here. Conflicts like these have led to divorce, bad blood between families and even going no contact with family after some financial support demands have gotten to be too much.
So what can you do going in and what are the red flags you should consider before marrying your partner? Also, what can you do once you are already inside the marriage?
Red Flags to Look Out for Before Marriage
Financial Dependence on Your Partner (Beyond Normal Support):
It’s not just about sending money. It’s about the frequency, amount, and impact on your partner’s own financial stability. You need to delve deeper and ask the important questions.
Does this dependence stem from a genuine need (e.g., medical emergency) or a pattern of irresponsibility? Is there an expectation of perpetual support? Does your partner feel guilt-tripped or obligated?
Does your partner have a plan to help their family achieve financial independence? Or is it a perpetual drain? Is there transparency in how those funds are used?
For example, does your partner consistently send a significant portion of their paycheck home, leaving them unable to save for retirement or emergencies? When questioned, they express feeling immense guilt if they don’t, and the family rarely acknowledges or attempts to resolve their own financial issues.
Unrealistic Expectations from In-Laws (Entitlement vs. Need):
It’s crucial to differentiate between genuine need and a sense of entitlement.
These are the questions you need to be asking. Are these expectations based on cultural norms, or are they excessive even within that context? Does the family acknowledge your partner’s own life and priorities?
Do their family respect your partner’s boundaries when they say no? Is there any reciprocation or gratitude shown for the financial support given?
An example is the parents outrightly stating that it’s their child’s duty to provide them with a lavish lifestyle, claiming ‘we sacrificed for you.’ They dismiss your partner’s concerns about their own financial goals as selfish.
Lack of Transparency About Money (Secrecy and Deception):
Secrecy breeds distrust. It’s not just about the money itself, but the underlying lack of honesty.
These are the things you need to consider. Does your partner avoid discussing financial transactions related to their family? Do they lie or minimize the amounts involved? Do they hide debt or financial obligations they’ve taken on for their family?
If they are secretive ask yourself these questions. What are the reasons behind the secrecy? Is it fear of your reaction, or a deeper pattern of dishonesty?
An example of this is when you discover significant withdrawals from your joint account, and your partner initially denies it, then admits to sending it to their sibling without consulting you, claiming ‘it was an emergency,’ but the ’emergency’ is vague.
Your Partner Prioritizes Their Family’s Needs Over Yours (Imbalance of Priorities):
This isn’t about occasional help. It’s about a consistent pattern of prioritizing their family’s wants over your shared needs.
Questions to ask yourself. Is there a sense of balance? Does your partner acknowledge and validate your concerns? Or are they dismissive or defensive?
Here is what you need to consider: Does your partner understand the concept of creating a new family unit with you? Or do they view their family of origin as their primary responsibility?
An example of this is that they agree to a vacation with their parents that depletes your savings, despite knowing you need those funds for a medical procedure. They justify it by saying ‘family is more important
Family Pressures You for Money Before Marriage (Early Warning Signs):
This is a clear indicator of future problems. It’s a test of your boundaries and your partner’s willingness to protect them.
Questions you need to ask. Are these requests subtle or overt? Do they make you feel obligated or guilty? Does your partner intervene or encourage you to comply?
You need to consider the following. What is your partner’s reaction to these requests? Do they reinforce that it is your choice, or do they put pressure on you to give in?
An example of this is during a casual dinner, their parents mention their ‘financial difficulties’ and suggest you ‘might want to help out’ since you’ll soon be part of the family. Your partner remains silent.
Your Partner’s Family Has a History of Poor Financial Decisions (Pattern Recognition):
Patterns repeat. If a family has a history of financial irresponsibility, it’s likely to continue.
You need to ask these questions. Are these patterns due to a lack of financial literacy, or are they rooted in deeper issues like addiction or impulsivity?
Very important considerations. Has your partner learned from these mistakes, or are they still enmeshed in the family’s financial chaos? Does your partner also have the same issues?
An example of this is when you discover that the family has a long history of maxing out credit cards, taking out predatory loans, and relying on bailouts from relatives. Your partner acknowledges this but insists ‘We’re different.'”
What to Do If You Feel the Family Is Overstepping?
Have an Honest Conversation with Your Partner (Collaborative Problem Solving)
Approach the conversation with empathy and a desire to understand your partner’s perspective.
Focus on “we” statements rather than accusatory “you” statements. Express your concerns about the impact on your relationship and future.
Set specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) financial goals as a couple.
Establish Clear Boundaries with In-Laws (Assertive Communication)
Be polite but firm. Avoid vague statements or apologies.
Practice responses to common requests. Have a united front with your partner.
Document agreements in writing, if necessary.
Separate Finances (If Necessary) (Strategic Financial Planning)
This isn’t about distrust, but about protecting your individual assets. Consult with a financial advisor to understand the legal and practical implications. Reasons To Have A Personal Finance Adviser
Consider a prenuptial agreement or a post-nuptial agreement.
Marriage: The Importance Of A Prenuptial Agreement And The Things To Include
Limit Direct Financial Involvement (Alternative Support)
Offer your time, skills, or resources instead of money.
Help them create a budget, find resources, or connect with professionals. Finances 101: How To Create A Budget And Different Budgeting Methods You Can Use
Offer to help them find a financial advisor.
Seek Professional Help (Mediation and Guidance)
A therapist or counsellor can help you navigate complex family dynamics.
A financial planner can help you create a financial plan that protects your interests.
Couples therapy can help you and your partner communicate more effectively.
Be Prepared to Walk Away (If Needed) (Self-Preservation)
Your well-being is paramount. Don’t sacrifice your happiness for a relationship that consistently undermines you. Recognize that sometimes, despite your best efforts, a relationship may not be salvageable. If the stress lkeeps pilling on with no end in site sometimes for both your mental and financial health you may need to walk away.
You should consider having a support system in place.
Here is a great comment from Reddit you should consider
I loved this comment by BionicGimpster
Neither one of you are wrong. In many cultures it’s very normal to support your elders in their retirement. In some cultures, it’s also common for the parents or surviving parent to move in with their children.
Did you know about this custom while you were dating or just find out after getting married? It’s hard to help you with actual $ advice without knowing how much 1000/month is worth in their cost-of-living area.
My suggestion is that you both need to sit down with a financial advisor to plan for your future. How many kids are you planning? Can you afford their education and upbringing. Can you afford to save for your retirement. What if you stay home for 10 or 15 years with multiple children? Can you afford insurance in case one of you dies young? What is there a bug medical expense?
Then it might be time for you all to sit down and look at each of your parent’s retirement needs. It sounds as if you guys are doing well enough that your husband was able to save for his parent’s home and for each of you to have a surplus 1000 or month. So, it sounds like you might be able to help them in some way- but you need to get on the same page, and the best way to do that is with building a financial plan for your future first.
This other comment bym3ooowww also important.
We used to send money to both our parents, but once we had kids, we stopped because kids cost a lot of money. Both parents completely understood and agreed that our kids were the number one priority.
Both my husband and I come from a traditional Asian background. I took a year off from work when we had our first child.
Also, the amount of help my in-laws have given us via childcare since we’ve had kids is unmeasurable. I’m super grateful and have no problem helping them in the future when they need it.
My advice to you is instead of thinking about how much percentage you’d be giving away and if that is fair, I’d sit down with your husband and come up with your shared financial goals. Like being able to retire comfortably, pay for kids’ college, buy a bigger house, stay at home to take care of the kids, help support your in-laws, etc. Then work backwards on how to achieve that financial goal. You two will quickly realize what’s feasible and what’s not. I think this approach will help your husband prioritize his family financially and also help alleviate your anxiety that your in-laws are taking up too much financial resources.
It is important to keep having conversations about money with your partner before and after marriage so that you can be on the same page. By addressing some of these questions thoroughly, you can gain a much deeper understanding of the potential pitfalls and develop strategies for creating a healthy and sustainable financial future with your partner.
Check out
6 Tips On Setting Financial Boundaries With Family
Family Finances: Elsa Majimbo, Black Tax And The Children Who Don’t Want To Pay It
Families And Finances: The Problem With Black Tax
10 Tips For Borrowing And Lending Money To Family And Friends
Couples And Money: How To Navigate The Minefield Of Marital Finances
