I studied Kelsey’s mood that evening like I had done many nights before. Reading his mood had become a necessity because I was tired of the constant fights. Yet, even timing didn’t prevent the fights.
I joined him in bed a few minutes after he got in. We had our dinner in silence. I pretended to be following the news, and he oscillated between looking at the TV screen and his phone. It had become a familiar routine.
Earlier that day at work, I had talked to a recent divorcee whose words had left me in my thoughts.
“You know, at least in marriage, you have someone you can run your decisions by for a second opinion, and your physical intimacy needs can be met,” said the divorced colleague.
Each statement had its sting. It reminded me of the sorry state of my marriage. We’d hardly been together for a year, yet it felt like we lived in parallel universes.
I saw Kelsey daily, but even when he was there, he wasn’t there. I didn’t tell my colleague that despite having a partner, we were in the same boat because her statement made me feel like I was supposed to be grateful for having a husband.
I decided to try and fix my relationship with Kelsey. Something was missing, and I was determined to solve our issues.
I tapped Kelsey’s back and asked, “Are you awake? Can we talk?”
“What is it now? What did I do?” He asked defensively.
“Why would you think you did something?” I asked.
“Because you’re always accusing me of something I have done or haven’t done. That’s all I hear from you these days,” he said.
“Never mind then,” I said. I felt my chest tighten and hot tears land on my cheeks. I was glad the lights were off so he couldn’t see me.
I was an optimist, but I felt my hope for my marriage’s survival dwindle daily. Then, my tears betrayed me. I tried hard to stop crying, but the harder I tried, the more I cried.
Kelsey switched on the lights and turned towards me. I was anxious about what he would say, but I could not control my tears.
“Why are you being dramatic?” He asked.
I stared at him because I couldn’t yet find the voice to articulate myself.
“I have been a faithful husband, and you’re well taken care of. Why isn’t that enough for you?” he asked.
“We don’t talk to each other anymore. We hardly know what is going on in each other’s lives despite living under the same roof,” I said.
“I am exhausted after work. If anything serious was going on, you would tell me,” replied Kelsey.
“I had an important interview that didn’t go well a few weeks ago. I desperately needed to talk to you before and after the interview, but I couldn’t.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about it?” Kelsey asked.
“You don’t seem interested in what goes on in my life besides asking about the material needs around the house,” I told him.
“That’s not true. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t ask you about what’s needed,” Kelsey defended himself.
“I don’t know how else to make you see something is missing,” I said.
We were both tired of having the same conversation repeatedly with the same results. I had previously mentioned how I felt to him, but I always ended up sounding like a nagging wife.
At the beginning of the disconnect, I thought he was having an affair. I checked for evidence when he left his phone unattended. ‘How to know your partner is cheating’ was a frequent search on my browser. I tried to find solid evidence for weeks but couldn’t find any. I was torn between feeling relieved that he wasn’t unfaithful and the agony of still not knowing what was wrong.
After the talk that night, I resolved to refrain from bringing up the discussion and let nature take its course. Feeling lost and unhappy, I decided to focus on other relationships with friends, colleagues, and family that nourished me.
When Kelsey and I got together, we decided to wait until the second year of our marriage to try for children. Not surprisingly, those ambitions took a back seat with the disconnect between us.
In my search for happiness, I became close with a male colleague. I found myself telling him about the most mundane things, and it would turn into a full-blown conversation. I felt seen—I hadn’t felt that way in months.
Sadly, within that same period, my father fell ill and was admitted to the hospital. The male colleague was the first person I told when I received the news. Kelsey found out through my mother. He was furious.
Once my father got better, I knew we had to address the matter.
“It was humiliating to learn about the matter from your mother,” Kelsey said.
“I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you,” I said.
“I’m your husband. You’re supposed to tell me such things,” he said.
“Oh, now I should tell my husband things? Funny you should say so,” I replied.
“What does that mean?” Kelsey asked.
“I have been saying that for months, but you made it sound like I was only looking for reasons to fight,” I said.
“Who is he?” Kelsey asked.
“Who is who?” I asked.
“The guy you were talking to at the hospital. I assume he’s the one you talk to on the phone,” said Kelsey.
“A friend and colleague,” I said.
“How long have you been together?” Kelsey asked.
“We’re not together. He’s just a friend who listens to me and likes talking to me,” I said.
It felt like he cared about what went on with me after a period of disinterest. It was a bittersweet moment because I also knew how close I had come to cheating because someone else was meeting my emotional needs. That interaction showed me what had been missing in our relationship. I eventually left.
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