16 Days Of Activism: When Women Enable Violence Against Women

In July 2024, Andrea Skinner, the daughter of renowned author Alice Munro revealed that she suffered abuse at the hands of her stepfather. Her mother turned a blind eye to it. The literary community was shocked by this information as the Nobel laureate was a celebrated feminist. She wrote short stories that resonated with women worldwide. Skinner shared her account in a Canadian newspaper. In it, she says Munro’s then-husband climbed into her bed when she was 9 and sexually assaulted her. He continued exposing himself to her and making lewd jokes about other young girls he found attractive. At one point, one of their family friends accused him of exposing himself to their 14-year-old daughter. He denied the accusation and even reassured Munro that Skinner “wasn’t his type”. At 25, Skinner finally wrote a letter to her mother talking about what her second husband had done. When Munro received the letter, she reacted as though her husband had merely cheated on her. She temporarily left him, accusing her daughter of orchestrating a humiliation. Munro later went back to him and remained with him until he died in 2013.

No adult helped intervene. Not Skinner’s biological father, whom she lived with sometimes, nor his wife, her stepmother. Neither confronted Munro or her second husband. But ultimately, the biggest failure is on Munro who should have done more to extricate her vulnerable daughter from the situation when a family friend brought forward accusations against her husband. While men are still the biggest perpetrators of sexual violence, women in privileged or caretaker positions enable this atrocity.

When women enable violence against women

Rape culture in families

Skinner’s story isn’t novel. Many women can talk about how their mothers responded poorly to accusations against their husbands. They refuse to believe their daughters and sometimes react violently against them.

The female victims and survivors are more often held responsible for the abuse they survive than the perpetrators and enablers. A common refrain, especially among Black families when a lecherous member is finally exposed is that “she was asking for it”. Aunties and other older women often berate young girls for wearing shorts or skirts around men. As though men can’t be held responsible for their actions. Rape Culture In Clubs: Buying Drinks Is Not Buying Consent

Family members can perpetuate rape culture. This creates an environment where men feel comfortable assaulting female family members, especially younger ones. The older women, instead of creating a safe space where younger women can come to them, instead ostracise survivors. While the responsibility of creating family safe spaces isn’t restricted to one gender, young girls are more likely to talk to their mothers and aunties if something happens to them. These aunties shouldn’t turn their backs on victims. Instead of telling young girls to change how they dress, they should tell off their male relatives who don’t know how to conduct themselves decorously.

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When women support abusers

In addition, women can also enable abuse when they come out in support of accused abusers. This shouldn’t be conflated with situations where women remain in abusive relationships. Even when confronted with the truth, victims of domestic abuse can defend their partners because it’s not safe for them to admit the truth. She can also have a complex relationship with her abuser that can be difficult to break, due to the emotional dependency cultivated through manipulation. However, these women aren’t the ones enabling abuse.

From matriarchs to female bosses to prominent women defending their coworkers when they’re credibly accused of abuse, sometimes women are a stumbling block in supporting victims. The #MeToo movement in 2017 let women name their abusers without fear of retaliation from the powerful men they were naming. However, some women undermine these survivors because they place their relationships with these individuals over the well-being of other women. Are You Tired That Issues Of Sexual Harassment And Rape Are Not Taken Seriously? Because #Metoo

For instance, when famous men are accused of assault, some equally famous women come forward to inoculate these men from consequences. They also try to throw doubt on the credibility of any accusers who come forward. For them, the reputation of their friend or colleague is more important than justice for victims. It could also be just because of a payday. However, they try to present that the abuser is someone safe, where women can work with them without worry when that is furthest from the truth. It also happens when people hear about a man’s record of abuse and they dismiss the allegations because of a prominent woman saying she’d never experienced anything untoward so how could he possibly be dangerous? Why Should Assessing A Woman Leader Turn Into A Gender Issue?

This instinct can also be driven by self-preservation. These women value their proximity to patriarchy. They would rather uphold the status quo because, in a world where the patriarchy is abolished, they would no longer hold power over others. They protect men who abuse women because it helps them keep a seat at the table. It allows them to thrive in an environment championed by men and they remain in or close to power because they’re “one of the guys”.

Feminist Mona Eltawahy has referred to such women as “patriarchy bootlickers”. But they could also be women who are indoctrinated to believe that men can never be held accountable, especially by women. Whichever the reason, they still foster an environment where women face opposition from all ends whenever they try to speak out against gender-based violence. Unfortunately, this perpetuates a cycle of abuse because women and girls then can’t come forward without risking their careers or well-being because of the powerful network protecting the abuser.

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When female leaders fail women

In response to the January 2024 anti-femicide protests, a Kenyan Women’s Representative advised women that the only way to avoid femicide was to avoid free rides. Sabina Chege engaged in victim blaming and stated the marches were only good for attention. When female leaders reiterate such talking points, they downplay the clear and present danger women face every day. #StopKillingUs: Why Femicide Remains A Problem In Kenya And What Should Be Done To Resolve It

According to UN Women, 736 million women worldwide experience gender-based violence at least once in their lives. One in three women has experienced verbal, physical, or sexual abuse at the hands of a man. Female leaders should be pushing for measures to better protect women from gender-based violence, providing support for survivors, and engaging in sensitization to reduce the tenets of toxic masculinity that propel violence against women. When female leaders blame women for the actions of men, they give men the incentive to be more violent. This is because men are then keyed to think that a woman’s safety in his presence is her responsibility. If she asks for money, rejects advances, talks in a way he didn’t expect or any reason he chooses, he thinks he has the right to do violence.

Why would women enable gender-based violence?

The reasons vary from internalized misogyny, parental denial, proximity to patriarchal power, refusing to believe victims, and puritanism to religion. When women in power ignore gender-based violence, they let the cycle of abuse continue. In addition, when mothers, matriarchs, or matrons fail to give young girls support, they increase the harm from gender-based violence. Young girls and women with disabilities are often at higher risk of violence. Women in any position of power should take charge of ensuring the safety and well-being of women in their spaces.

However, this doesn’t absolve men of the responsibility they bear when it comes to preventing gender-based violence. Futures without Violence found that men commit the majority of the violence against women including stalking, sexual assault, femicide, and domestic violence. Partners are responsible for the highest percentage of violence against women.

While the bulk of the blame for violence against women lies in the hands of men, women can help them consciously or unconsciously. It takes effort to unlearn and abandon beliefs that preserve harm. For women who no longer want to be part of the problem, the first step is to just believe victims. The second is to support them rather than their abusers. Why Organizations Need To Go Beyond Victims and Survivors Of SGBV and Educate The Public On Prevention