“This is not it,” thought Susan as she put her seven-month-old daughter in her crib. That was the third time she had woken up crying that night. Although the child wasn’t hungry and had a dry diaper, she was having trouble sleeping, and in turn, her parents couldn’t sleep either. Well, Dave could, but Susan couldn’t. After what seemed like an eternity of calming the child down, Susan went back to their bed.
Dave was snoring so loudly. Despite their daughter crying loudly like a doorbell, he had slept through the night. Susan sat next to him and sneered. Anger engulfed her. She contemplated waking him up, but she was dying to sleep, so the fight had to wait.
The next couple of days were hectic, and other events overtook the need to discuss that night. However, feelings demand to be felt, so they don’t just disappear because life is throwing more things to handle.
A few weeks after that night, Susan and Dave had to move their family to a new house. They moved on a Friday evening. It also happened that Dave had an outdoor event planned with his friends. They were going bungee jumping and kayaking out of town. He woke early in the morning, looked for something to wear from the unpacked suitcases, and left before nine o’clock. Susan was left with their child and unpacked boxes to settle into the new house. Once more, she had that voice saying, “This is not it.”
She was angry the whole day trying to organize the house. As Susan frequently snapped, the nanny got the short end of the stick that day. The movers had put one of the couches in a position that obstructed movement to the kitchen, so she cursed every time she tripped and hurt her small toe. The couch was quite heavy to move around. After tripping severally, she moved it with the help of the nanny.
Dave came back in the evening happy and exhausted.
“Hi babe, I’m so tired. I need to rest,” said Dave. He kissed the daughter’s forehead and went to bed.
Susan didn’t utter a word, but she rolled her eyes.
The daughter was fussy all night as she readjusted to the new environment. Once again, Susan hardly slept a wink as she struggled with their daughter. In the morning, while having breakfast, Dave started a conversation.
“Why was the child so restless yesterday?”
Had Susan not held the child, she would have screamed in anger. She opened her mouth to speak but immediately realized that the nanny was near them. Instead, she sipped her tea and asked the nanny to take the child outside for some sunshine. That would give them a chance to have a private conversation. Dave could tell Susan was angry. They went to the bedroom.
“What’s the problem?” Dave asked Susan.
“I’m not sure where to begin, but let’s start with the fact that you heard the child cry yesterday but continued sleeping,” Susan snarled, trying not to raise her voice.
“I was too tired babe,” Dave responded.
“I was also tired from the unpacking I had to do on my own too but somehow I had to do everything.”
“Are you angry because I went on the trip too?” Dave asked.
“Do you realize you only got away with it because you are a man? Had I been the one who left you with an infant and a house with unpacked stuff a day after moving I would be labelled irresponsible?” Susan asked Dave.
“I hadn’t looked at it like that but the trip had already been planned,” Dave tried to justify themselves.
“Are we in this together? Sometimes it feels like I am doing it alone. At this point I have the same workload as our friends who are single parents,” Susan said in frustration.
“Are you saying I do nothing around here?” Dave asked angrily.
“No, those were not my words. You knew we were moving houses and the work involved but you still committed to going out with your friends. You came back, tired and didn’t even bother to ask what was left and if your help was needed. This was also not the first time that you have slept through the child crying. You don’t even bother to check but will later ask about it.”
“But that’s the mother’s job,” Dave replied.
“So what is the father’s job? Please don’t tell me provision because we both work and contribute towards the family,” said Susan.
“Are you complaining about chipping in?” Dave asked.
“No. You’re missing the point. I would appreciate it if you were more involved in other affairs that go on in our family besides provision. We were supposed to be partners and companions but you keep leaving the bulk of the work for me,” Susan replied in tears.
Dave looked conflicted. He knew his wife to be reasonable but couldn’t help feeling defensive. He asked for some time to think about the discussion. The next few days were filled with awkwardness between the couple. Dave confided in one of his close friends.
“Bro, you know your wife has a point? Going on the trip and leaving her to settle in was selfish,” said Dave’s friend.
“Okay, I see how that could be but she said I make her feel like a single mom,” said Dave.
“Ouch!” He said, laughing. “How?”
“Apparently, I don’t help out enough with the child. She’s the mom, she knows how to handle the child better. It is better for everyone if I sleep through the night and with work the following day, I don’t see why we both need to be awake,” said Dave.
“As a guy, I get what you’re saying, but things are changing. Plus, to be fair, she also works so you can’t use that as a justification,” said his friend.
“Dude, who’s side are you on?” Dave asked.
“I’m Switzerland.” They both laughed. “Anyway, on the real, you guys have a good thing going. Talk it over with her and come to a compromise.”
Later that day, Susan and Dave had a conversation and agreed on how to share duties in the house. They also agreed to keep communicating when either felt overburdened.
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